Here Fluffy

Not everyone has heard the song Fluffy by Gloria Balsam, but those who have can never forget it.

 

 

Gloria originally performed with her group Psychotic Pineapple mostly performing locally until one day in 1978, Gloria and Psychotic Pineapple were performing at the Berkeley Campus of the University of California, opening for Talking Heads. As she sang, her shrill reverberated around the valley entrancing one Jeff Finder, sitting on the hill side.  Jeff was heir to a Californian newspaper and his hypnotic entrancement extended to putting up the finance required for Glorias single.

 

 

One thousand copies of Fluffy were pressed in the spring 1980 on the Richmond label, many copies finding their way to alternative radio stations. The single gained airplay in Boston and New York and a few copies even made it to the UK and Australia. Gloria’s pinnacle came when Fluffy was featured on Rhino’s World’s Worst Records.  Shortly afterwards Gloria opened at the Mabuhay for Devo, the Jim Carrol Band, Dead Kennedys, the Cramps, the Offs and many others.

 

 

Lasssie-Bot

The Russians have been developing cold war, border collie battle cyborgs since the 1950's.  The project was shut down because the Lassie-Bots chase and retrieve when you throw a grenade.

 

Grandma Werewolf

The origins of the Little Red Riding Hood story can be traced to various versions across Europe, however, It may have even earlier origins in the Chinese tale "Grandaunt Tiger".  In the 10th century it was being told by French peasants, and by Italian peasants in 14th century. A common title was "La finta nonna" (The False Grandmother). It has also been known as "The Story of Grandmother".

 

These early variations of the tale are often nothing like the happy disneyfied tripe most of us know today, the antagonist is often a "bzou" (werewolf) or sometimes even an ogre. The tale is relevant to the werewolf-trials of the time (similar to the later witch trials) and has notable sexual references, not the least of which is the rampant, horny, wild dog.  Sometimes in these versions there's no "red hood" and they usually feature the wolf leaving the grandmother’s blood and meat for the girl to eat and drink.  Little Red unwittingly cannibalises her own grandmother before Wolfie asks her to remove her clothes and throw them in the fire.  In some versions, the wolf eats the girl after the implied sex, and the story ends there.  In other versions, she escapes by saying that she needs to poo and does not want to do it in the bed so Wolfie lets her go outside.

 

The earliest known printed version "Le Petit Chaperon Rouge" (Little Red Riding Hood), was written in the 17th century for the French court of King Louis XIV.  The story describes its subject as an "attractive, well-bred young lady".  The village girl is deceived into telling the wolf how to find her grandmother's house.  Wolfie eats the old woman, then waits for Red.  There's the whole get undressed and into bed thing before he eats her and there is no happy ending.  Except maybe for Wolfie.

 

In the 19th century advances in printing methods led to the rise of the children's book industry, and Victorian editors continued altering fairy tales to make them suitable for younger and younger children wherein the woodsman hero saving the day was added.  Later again, particularly in American versions, the Grandmother hides from the wolf in the cupboard.  All versions, modern and old, make the contrast between the safety of the village and the dangers of the forest and have a stranger danger theme, sometimes mixed with a coming of age theme too.  The origin of the cloaks red colour is usually taken as a menstrual blood symbol.

 

 

Here's a brief written version from some time in the early 18th century:

 

The Story of Grandmother (by Unknown)

 

There was once a woman who had some bread, and she said to her daughter: "You are going to carry a hot loaf and a bottle of milk to your grandmother.
The little girl departed. At the crossroads she met the bzou who said to her: "Where are you going?"
"I'm taking a hot loaf and a bottle of milk to my grandmother."
"What road are you taking," said the bzou, "the Needles Road or the Pins Road?"
"The Needles Road," said the little girl.
"Well, I shall take the Pins Road."
The little girl enjoyed herself picking up needles. Meanwhile the bzou arrived at her grandmother's, killed her, put some of her flesh in the pantry and a bottle of her blood on the shelf. The little girl arrived and knocked at the door.
"Push the door," said the bzou, "it's closed with a wet straw."
"Hello Grandmother; I'm bringing you a hot loaf and a bottle of milk."
"Put them in the pantry. You eat the meat that's in it and drink a bottle of wine on the shelf."
As she ate there was a little cat that said: "A slut is she who eats the flesh and drinks the blood of her grandmother!"

"Undress, my child," said the bzou, "and come and sleep beside me."
"Where should I put my apron?"
"Throw it in the fire, my child; you don't need it any more."
"Where should I put my bodice?"
"Throw it in the fire, my child; you don't need it any more."
"Where should I put my dress?"
"Throw it in the fire, my child; you don't need it any more."
"Where should I put my skirt?"
"Throw it in the fire, my child; you don't need it any more."
"Where should I put my hose?"
"Throw it in the fire, my child; you don't need it any more."
"Oh, Grandmother, how hairy you are!"
"It's to keep me warmer, my child"
"Oh, Grandmother, those long nails you have!"
"It's to scratch me better, my child."
"Oh, Grandmother, those big shoulders that you have!"
"All the better to carry kindling from the woods, my child."
"Oh, Grandmother, those big ears that you have!"
"All the better to hear you with, my child."
"Oh, Grandmother, that big mouth you have!"
"All the better to eat you with, my child!"
"Oh, Grandmother, I need to go outside to relieve myself."
"Do it in the bed, my child."
"No, Grandmother, I want to go outside." 
 "All right, but don't stay long."
The bzou tied a woollen thread to her foot and let her go out, and when the girl was outside she tied the end of the string to a big plum tree in the yard. The bzou got impatient and said:
"Are you making cables?" (defecating)

When he became aware that no one answered him, he jumped out of bed and saw that the little girl had escaped. He followed her, but her arrived at her house just at the moment she was safely inside.

Gonad Restaurant

Guo Li Zhuang restaurant is the sort of place where you won't be surprised to find a bone in your soup.  The establishment erected it's open sign in 2006, offering all kinds of dishes with animal genitalia as the primary ingredient.  Many Chinese believe animal penises increase male potency and do wonders for women’s skin.  Word about the anatomical wonders served at the restaurant spread quickly, and there are now four franchised locations throughout Beijing and one in Atlanta’s Chinatown.  The name of the restaurant is derived from homophones of the family name of its founder (Guo), the family name of his wife (Li), as well as the nickname of his son (Zhuang) and translates as "the strength inside the pot".

 

The Guo Li Zhuang plates up private parts of a wide variety of species from testicular delights of the dog, the dork of the donkey and the placenta of the deer, to the trouser snake of the snake and the cock of the cock to name but a few.  The dishes include traditional medicinal secrets passed down in the Guo family and are often given poetic names such as The Essence of the Golden Buddha, Phoenix Rising, Jasmine Flowers with 1000 Layers, Look for the Treasure in the Desert Sand, Head crowned with a Jade Bracelet, and Dragon in the Flame of Desire.  In addition to the mouth watering genitals, the restaurant also carries such rare delicacies as stewed deer face, sheep foetus in brown garlic sauce, and peacock claws.

 

 

So if you're in the neighbourhood and looking for a hot meal with a sex pot, don’t' go South for sushi, go down to Guo Li Zhuang restaurant for a mouth watering meal you can blow your own horn about later.  Also, just in case you were wondering, none of the five locations have a head chef called Wang.

 

 

Fragrant Chow

I'm going overseas again soon, looking forward to some of my favorite foods.  Although not a food I've tried, I'm reminded of when we were travelling several years ago and passed a restaurant in China.  Dong Lin restaurant's sign says “King of dog meat”.  Called Fragrant Meat (xiangròu), dog is not traditionally a delicacy, it's peasant food. These days though it has developed into a delicacy because it's becoming controversial.  The Don Lin restaurant is actually a small chain serving around 1 tonne of dog meat to at least 500 people each day and their specialty is dog hotpot.  Numbers from the 4th annual Yulin, Shaanxi ten day food fair that took place in May, 2011 state that 15,000 dogs were consumed.

The dogs are farmed much like sheep in Anhui province.  A brochure published by the Shenyang Agriculture and Science Development Institute, praised the St Bernards' "high farrowing rate", its "fine and tasty" meat and noted that its "gentle disposition is good for group breeding".  Returns from meat dog farming were four times higher than from pig farming, the brochure added. Song Shiyong, head of the Shenyang Dog Meat Research Institute said "St Bernard were four times more profitable to breed than pigs or chickens" and "This is a new way to prosperity".  Most of the dogs actually farmed, however, tend to be chow chow mongrels.  Keep that in mind the next time you order "chow mien" from your local takeaway.

But if you think it's just China or some of the other Asian countries that have traditions of eating dog meat, you're barking up the wrong tree!  Let's have a look around the world...  The earliest evidence of dog consumption have been found at Gaulish archaeological sites all throughout Europe, with the discovery of butchered dog bones.

 

In France, although consumption of dog meat is not common, dog meat has been popular in the past. French news sources from the late 19th century carried stories reporting lines of people buying dog meat, which was described as being "beautiful and light." During the siege of Paris in 1870, there were lines at butcher's shops of people waiting to purchase dog meat. Dog meat was also still being sold openly by some Paris butchers in 1910.

 

In Germany, dog meat has been enjoyed in every major crisis since the time of Frederick the Great (mid 1700's) or possibly earlier.  It is commonly referred to as "blockade mutton".  In the early 20th century, the high price of other meat lead to Germans commonly eating horse and dog meat. In 1937, a meat inspection law targeted against trichinella was introduced for pigs, dogs, boars, foxes, badgers, and other carnivores. Dog meat was not prohibited in Germany until 1986.

 

In Belgium, butcher shops sold dog meat in early 20th century. The Council of the Veterinary School of Belgium recommended dog meat for human food.

 

In The Netherlands, sausages made of dog meat were commonly consumed in 1940s, however this is not currently widespread.

 

In Poland, the meat is not eaten today but in some rural areas of Poland dog fat is still made into lard for medicinal purposes.

 

In Switzerland, the rural cantons of Appenzell and St Gallen are known to have had a tradition of eating dogs. Dog sausage and smoked dog jerky remains a staple in these areas as well as the use of dog lard for medicinal purposes. In a regional Swiss newspaper, one farmer was quoted "meat from dogs is the healthiest of all. It has shorter fibres than cow meat, has no hormones like veal, no antibiotics like pork." The commercial production of dog meat in Switzerland is, however, illegal.  Popular Swiss recipes for dog meat include gedörrtes Hundefleisch served as paper-thin slices, as well as smoked dog ham, Hundeschinken, which is prepared by salting and drying raw dog meat.

 

In India, dog meat is widely eaten by certain communities in the North-Eastern states of Mizoram and Nagaland, where it is considered to be a delicacy.  Hindus strictly avoid dog meat.

 

In North America, the term "dog" has been used as a synonym for sausage since 1884 and accusations that sausage makers used dog meat date from at least 1845.  Immigrants who were from Germany where consumption of dog meat was common brought their "Frankfurter" to America, where it was called hot dog because it was widely believed that it was made of dog meat. This belief was occasionally the truth.  In late 19th century, a cure for tuberculosis using an exclusive diet of dog meat was tried.  In the early 20th century, dog meat was consumed during times of food shortage and was sold openly in New Jersey butcher shops.

 

In the Kingdom of Tonga, the consumption of domestic dog meat is still commonplace and is also known to occur in migrant Tongan communities in New Zealand, Australia, and the United States.

Throughout Siberia, Northern Canada, and Greenland Dogs have historically been emergency food sources for various peoples. Sled dogs are usually maintained for pulling sleds, but occasionally are eaten when no other food is available. In the harsh wilderness of the Alpine, men are real men and dogs are man’s best friend and mans best food.

 

One of the risks of eating dog is the potential of hypervitaminosis A (vitamin A poisoning), if the dogs liver is eaten. Canines have a much higher tolerance for vitamin A than humans do which is in concentrated amounts in their liver.  Additionally the transmission of rabies to humans from dog meat consumption has been reported in two cases from China, one in Vietnam, and two deaths reported in the Philippines.  These cases may stem from improperly sourced or farmed animals so stop complaining and eat your chow.
 

In 1972 Frank Zappa recorded a song entitled Dog / Meat which is a musical ensemble of two of his songs Dog Breath Variations and Uncle Meat.

 

 

 

So go play frisbee in the park with Rover and you can round off the whole day with a good meal back home.