Showing posts with label Christmass. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christmass. Show all posts

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Buddha by Christmas

This year not a Christmas book but a book titled Buddhism by , oddly, a man called Christmas Humphreys.
 
 
Christmas Humphreys was a British barrister who prosecuted several controversial cases in the 1940s and 1950s, and later became a judge at the Central Criminal Court, more commonly known as "the Old Bailey".  He wrote a numerous works on Buddhism and founded what became the London Buddhist Society in 1924. His former home in St John's Wood, London, is now a Buddhist temple.  Humphreys was also president of the Shakespeare Fellowship, a position to which he was elected in 1955. The Fellowship advanced the theory that the plays generally attributed to Shakespeare were in fact the work of Edward de Vere, 17th Earl of Oxford.
 
"Christmas Humphreys was on the bench. Nice fellow, you must know him – a little bloke, wears a wig, you can see the join if you look closely." - Tony Hancock.


Friday, December 19, 2014

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Santas Little Redhead

A special double Christmas edition of the monthly book cover, Book One and Two of The Santa Claus Chronicles by Robert Devereaux.  Santa Steps Out and Santa Claus Conquers The Homophobes.


On the cover of Santa Steps Out, Santa is "stepping out" with a fiery redheaded woman in the embers of her fireplace. It is a well documented fact that Santa (much like Satan) is quite fire resistant. The same can not be said for the smouldering redhead who is already showing signs of burning and may well burst into flames at any moment.



The cover of Santa Claus Conquers The Homophobes depicts yet another naked redheaded woman who has the power of financial defecation.  Not necessarily the greatest power to possess, but probably not the worst, especially in difficult economic times.  Red relieves herself on the belly of a pregnant woman as Santa watches proudly. This may be the same redheaded woman he "stepped out with" in the previous book and imbibed her with his magical spirit of charity and giving. Which would go a long way towards explaining why she can poo gold coins.  Hopefully they are gold coins and not those foil wrapped chocolate ones popular at Christmas time, especially considering their place of manufacture.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Santa Slay

Santa kicks arse!
 


Santa Claws is Coming to Town by Alice Cooper with scenes form the movie Santa Slay.  If you feel the need to know more about Santa and his gang of evil helpers you can read a previous years blog post on the subject here.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Christmas Card Etiquette

Oddly Christmas cards originated long before they could be printed and, even more oddly, before the tradition of Christmas. In pre-Christian Europe it was common to send good luck gifts for new years.  In Rome at the time, theses gifts were often accompanied with written cards. The cards were often sent on December 25th to ensure they arrived by January 1st.  When Christianity took over in Rome the tradition continued, though these cards still did not make mention of Christmas. The card tradition eventually migrated through Europe and to England, where these home made cards combined well wishes for both Christmas and the New Year and were delivered before Christmas Day.

Later in the fourteenth century with the advent of wood-block printing, small scale mass production of New Year's cards appeared in Germany. By the fifteenth century, religious Germans were creating New Year gifts called 'Andachtsbilder'. These cards still focused on the new year but were often decorated with a picture of the baby Jesus.  The lithograph was invented at the end of the 1700s and further promoted the printing of Christmas themed holiday greeting cards across Europe, but the final leap of the Christmas card was tied to the scocial etiquette of the early 1800s.
 
During the 1800's the practice of visiting one’s friends and relatives was a middle and upper class social convention with it's own etiquette revolving around the calling card.  Every well to do gentleman kept a ready supply of calling cards with him to distribute upon his visits.  A married man had a medium sized card, while an unmarried man had a smaller card. Men’s cards were always smaller than women’s.
 
On a first visit to a household a servant was often sent to deliver a calling card as it was not expected to be invited in.  A gentleman would give one card to each lady of the house.  If the lady of the house was not home, but her daughter was, the gentleman sent in his card and departed as a young lady did not receive calls from a gentleman unless they were very intimate friends.
 
When calling upon a friend, a gentleman gave his card to the servant answering the door. The servant would be holding a silver tray and the card would be placed upon it. If the person the gentleman was calling upon was home, the servant would take the card to them and they would come meet the gentleman. If the person being called upon was not home, the servant would leave the card for when they returned.
 
If a card was left with a folded top right corner it indicated that the card had been left in person rather than by a servant, and often other corners were folded down to signify the nature of the visit. For a congratulatory visit, the left hand upper corner was turned down, the left hand lower corner for a condolence visit, the right hand lower corner if you were visiting before a long trip. Alternatively a gentleman would inscribe initials upon the card, which stood for French words, to denote the reason for his visit.
 
Congratulations: p. f. (pour féliciter)
Expressing thanks: p. r. (pour remercier)
Condolences: p. c. (pour condoléance)
Happy New Year: p. f. N. A. (pour feliciter Nouvel An)
Taking leave: p. p. c. (pour prendre congé)
Introducing ones self: p. p. (pour présenter)
 
Visiting cards became an indispensable social tool, with rules governing their use, much more elaborate and sophisticated than clicking like on facebook. During Christmas and New Year it was common for the person you were calling on to be out visiting also so it became a seasonal exchange of cards.
 
The growing use of decorated printed stationary and the gradual development of New Year specific calling cards prompted Sir Henry Cole and his  friend Calcott Horsley to create the first official "Christmas" Christmas card for the masses in 1843 to take advantage of the new Public Post Office.  Selling for 1 shilling, the card had three panels. The outer two panels showed people caring for the poor and in the centre panel was a family having a large Christmas dinner in which a child was being given a glass of wine. 

As printing methods improved, Christmas cards became more decorative and more popular and were produced in large numbers from about 1860.  In 1915, John C. Hall and two of his brothers created Hallmark Cards, still one of the biggest card makers today. In the 1920s a trend back towards home made cards became popular, often made with foil and ribbon on them. Today, cards have all sorts of pictures on them: nativity scenes, Christmas trees, rude reindeer, naked Santa Claus etc. With the advent of cheaper photo-printing a disturbing trend in custom cards has arisen in the form of individuals and families taking Christmas themed photographs of themselves (or their pets) and producing them on mass as cards.

These days, Christmas cards make up approximately 45% of all greeting cards sent and, despite historically being a gentleman's social tool, only around 15% of those Christmas cards are purchased by men.

Saturday, December 07, 2013

Dalek Christmas Song

Christmas season already.
More Daleks.

I'm Gonna Spend My Christmas With a Dalek by The Go Go's.


The Go-Go's were a semi-professional group from Newcastle and released I'm Gonna Spend My Christmas With a Dalek in 1964 at the height of the original Dalek-mania (not unlike Beatle-mania but without the haircuts). The vocals were by lead singer Sue Smith with one of the male members of the group providing a dodgy, nasal Dalek voice.
 



Lyrics:

I bring you gree-tings from all Da-leks (Dalek voice)
I'm gonna spend my Christmas with a Dalek,
And hug him under the mistletoe
And if he's very nice
I'll feed him sugar spice
And hang Christmas stocking from his big lead toe
And when we both get up on Christmas morning
I'll kiss him on his chromium-plated head
And take him in to say hi to Mum
And frighten daddy out of his bed!

Merry Christmas
Mer-ry Christ-mas (Dalek voice)
Happy Christmas
Hap-py Christ-mas (Dalek voice)
Merry Christmas
Mer-ry Christ-mas (Dalek voice)
To you

I wish to be your friend (Dalek voice)
Please may I have some more plum pud-ding and cus-tard? (Dalek voice)
I'm gonna spend my Christmas with a Dalek,
And if I make him happy he will stay
He'll go (whoop) and (whirr) and twiddle his eye
And then my little Dalek will say

Merry Christmas
Christ-mas Tree (Dalek voice)
Happy Christmas
Mist-le-toe (Dalek voice)
Merry Christmas
Mer-ry Christ-mas (Dalek voice)
To you

Merry Christmas
I love you (Dalek voice)
Happy Christmas
You love me (Dalek voice)
Merry Christmas
Mer-ry Christ-mas (Dalek voice)
To you

Merry Christmas
More-plum-pudding (Dalek voice)
Happy Christmas
More-cus-tard... (Dalek voice)
(fade out)

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Silent Night Assassin

Happy Christmas. This years Christmas themed book is The Silent Partner by Anders Bodelsen.

Santa doesn't take kindly to his toy store debtors being late on their payments. He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you’re awake and he's packing heat.
 
Watch out for the movie in the bargain bin at your DVD store.

Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Bionic Yuletide Stripper

December again?
 
Six Million Dollar Man Christmas Adventures.
 

 
The four exciting adventures mostly involve Steve Austin breaking in to peoples houses, dressed as Santa, at midnight and performing a unsettling striptease as he wakes them at their bedside.
 
There's also some sort of reference involving a rocket thrusting up.
 
 


Friday, December 30, 2011

Lonliest Ho

A Christmas themed book cover, The Loneliest Ho in the World by Travis Heaton.


It gets very lonely hoing for Santa up around the North Pole.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Jeffs Peril

If you listen closely to the Christmas song Deck the Halls you'll hear:

"Dawn we now our day of peril.
Fa la la la la, la la la lah."

and

"Strike the heart, enjoy the florist.
Fa la la la la, la la la lah."

Also in the Christmas song entitled The Chrismas Song, the words are:

"Jeffs nuts roasting on an open fire."

That'll teach him not to fall asleep.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Xmas Movie

I think said mostly everything I wanted to about Santa in last years post.  Except that Santa gives more and better presents to rich kids than he does to poor kids.

Here's something you can think about when you sit down to eat your Christmas pudding:


That's what the sequel should be.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Astro-Weenie Christmas Tree

If you're stuck for novel dinner or lunch hosting ideas this Christmas you could try your hand at making Charles Phoenix's Astro-Weenie Christmas Tree.  Noting brings joy to the yuletide festivities more than an Astro-Weenie Tree.


You and your guests will be as happy a Charles when you wop out your Astro-Weenies at the Christmas dining table and all you need do is follow the instructions for your own Astro-Weenie Christmas Tree and many other home cooking wonders at CharlesPhoenix.com.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Reindeer Roast

Known commonly as venison, reindeer may be eaten as steaks, tournedos, roasts, sausages, jerky and minced meat. It has a flavour reminiscent of beef, but is richer and can have a gamey note.  One of the best things reindeer has in its favour is its low fat content. A 100g serving contains just over 2g of fat. Of that, less than 1g is saturated fat. A similarly sized beef rib-eye steak, contains nearly 15g of total fat, with almost 6g of saturated fat.


Reindeer meat is also low-calorie. A 100g serving contains only 150 calories whereas the same serving of beef contains 249 calories.  Additionally, reindeer has a slightly higher protein content than beef. A 100g serving of reindeer will provide over 75 percent of the recommended daily intake of vitamin B12 for an adult. Vitamin B12 is essential for several life processes including red blood cell formation, DNA synthesis and healthy metabolism.   Because of its high nutritional value, reindeer meat is the smart choice for your Christmas family dinner.


If you can down one, you'll find Santa's flying reindeers less gamy with a misty, magical taste somewhere between the unicorn and the Quilin.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Santa Shakedown


When Batman's around you better watch out and you better not pout, Santa.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Xmas Road Toal

Australia entered the Afghanistan War on October 7 2001.  Since that time 32 Australian soldiers have been killed over the past ten years serving in Afghanistan.  In contrast there has been 14598 Australians killed in car accidents over the same period.

What that means is, being an Australian soldier in a war zone is 456 times safer than being a civilian driving on an Australian road.  It probably has a lot to do with the fact that, despite the situation, Australian soldiers know what they're doing while half the drivers on the road don't have the slightest clue what they're doing.


Or maybe we should just all drive tanks.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Christmas Abyss

From The Urban Dictionary

Christmas Abyss

The conspicuous absence and lack of communication from all your friends who celebrate the Christmas holiday due to family commitments and/or over-consumption of alcohol on Christmas Eve.

"Man, I can't get a hold of anyone today. They must have fallen into the Christmas Abyss."


Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Cryptmas

It's that time of the year again and the Krampus is just around the corner.

Tales from the Crypt – Have Yourself a Scary Little Christmas

 


1. Intro to Albulm
2. Deck the Hall with Parts of Charlie
3. Juggle Bills
4. We Wish You’d Bury the Missus
5. Moe Teitlebaum
6. A Christmas Card for the Cryptkeeper
7. Christmas Rap
8. Intr to Cryptkeeper’s Family Christmas
9. Cryptkeeper’s Family Christmas
10. Twas the Fright Before Christmas
11. 12 Days of Cryptmas
12. Revenge of the Cryptkeeper
13. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
14. Should Old Cadavers Be Forgot


My favorite is track two.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Santas Evil Helpers

According to myths dating from the 18th century, Saint Nicholas often operated in the companionship of a devil. Having triumphed over evil, it was said that on Saint Nicholas Eve, the devil was shackled and made his slave.   In the 1840s, a Nordic folklore elf called Tomte or Nisse started to deliver the Christmas presents in Denmark.  The Tomte was portrayed as a short, bearded man dressed in grey clothes and a red hat.  The original folklore of Saint Nicolas has many parallels with the Germanic myths of Odin.  These include the beard, hat and spear (nowadays a staff) and the cloth bag held by the servants to capture naughty children.  There are various explanations of the origins of Santas helpers, many involve an enslaved devil.  In some interpretations the helper represents the devil, in others it represents Nörwi, the black father of the night, who defeated the devil and accompanies Odin.

Another, story is of Zwarte Piet (meaning Black Pete) originally was an enslaved devil forced to assist his captor.  Zwarte Piet is usually depicted with the same staff of birch as Odins helper Nörwi.  Piet often dealt harsh punishment to children who were bad.  In the 19th century Black Pete became to be depicted as a Moor in the colourful pantaloons and feathered cap of a Renaissance page.  Coinciding with a story that Saint Nicolas liberated an Ethiopian slave boy called 'Piter' (from Saint Peter), and the boy was so grateful he decided to stay with St Nicolas as a helper.  Because of the post modern trend of political correctness, Zwarte Piet has become a modern servant whose face is blackened by soot from climbing through chimneys.

In German folklore, Knecht Ruprecht (translates as Farmhand Rupert or Servant Rupert) is a companion of Saint Nicholas and is sometimes associated with Saint Rupert.  He appeared in homes on Christmas Eve, as a man with a long beard wearing fur or pea-straw, sometimes carrying a long staff and a bag of ashes, and wore little bells on his clothes (like the modern elves).  Knecht Ruprecht asks children if they can pray. If they can, they receive apples, nuts, and gingerbread.  If they cannot, he beats the children with his bag of ashes.  Ruprecht was a common name for the Devil in Germany.  He was also known as Hans Ruprecht, Rumpknecht, and Rû Clås (Rough Nicholas).

A French character who accompanies St. Nicholas in his rounds during St. Nicholas' Day (6 December) is Le Père Fouettard (translates as The whipping Father).  The Whipping Father dispenses lumps of coal and floggings to naughty children, while St. Nicholas gives gifts to the well behaved.  The most common depiction of Le Père Fouettard is a man with a sinister face dressed in dark robes with scraggly unkempt hair and a long beard. He is armed with either a whip, a large stick.  Some incarnations of the character have him wearing a wicker back pack in which children can be placed and carried away.  Often, his face is darkened to varying degrees and is sometimes depicted identically to Black Pete.

Then there's the Icelandic Yule Lads (no they're not the latest boy band from Iceland) these guys are more like the modern day depiction of Santas elves only evil.  Their number and description varied greatly depending on location, with each Lad ranging from mere pranksters to homicidal monsters who eat children.  Modern consensus is that there are 13 of them.  The Yule Lads are traditionally said to be the sons of mountain-dwelling trolls.  They are often depicted with the Yuletide Cat, a beast that eats children who don't receive new clothes in time for Christmas.  The Yule Lads come to town over the last 13 nights before Christmas, each staying for two weeks before departing.  The English translations of their Icelandic names are: Sheep-Cote Clod, Gully Gawk, Stubby, Spoon-Licker, Pot-Scraper, Bowl-Licker, Door-Slammer, Skyr-Gobbler, Sausage-Swiper, Window-Peeper, Door-Sniffer, Meat-Hook & Candle-Beggar.

Traditions in the alpine regions have characters that are more bestial and range from a goat to an actual demon or devil.  The most popular of these characters is Krampus.  Krampus is prevalent in Austria, Hungary, Croatia, the Czech Republic, Slovakia, Slovenia and northern Italy.  Krampus is represented by an demon-like creature usually with a basket on his back to carry away bad children and dump them into the pits of Hell.  In some rural areas the tradition also includes birching (corporal punishment with a birch rod) by Krampus, especially of young girls.  Switzerland has Schmutzli he enjoys beating naughty children, sometimes kidnapping and often eating them.  Other companions of  St Nicholas through Europe include Klaubauf, Bartel, Bellzebub, and Cert (The Devil).  Regardless of the name he goes by, he seems to enjoy dishing out corpral punnishment and takes a hard line, zero tollerance towards naughty children.

In some traditions, the bringer of gifts and the bringer of punishment are fused into one.  In Nordic countries the original bringer of gifts at Christmas time was the Yule Goat, a sometimes bipedal fawn like figure with horns.  Giving Santa himself the appearance of his demonic servant.  Rumpelklas, Pelzebock, Pelznickel, Belzeniggl, and Belsnickel are other names for this demonic Santa around the place.  The idea of Santa being a devil go a long way toward explaining a lot of things.  More so it is evident that Santa Clause is in fact Satan himself!  They are two sides to the one coin, the evidence in irrefutable.  On top of the generations of historical stories mentioned above, stories as concrete as Santa is, there is also the following evidence:

Santa is an anagram for Satan.   St Nicholas day falls on the 6th, 6 is believed to be the devils number.  In medieval plays the devil’s most common line as he entered the stage was “Ho, ho, ho!”.  Santa is sometimes called St Nick, Satan is sometimes referred to as Old Nick.  Both Santa and Satan are associated with hoof prints in the snow.  Both Santa and Satan are well know for their beards and are both frequently depicted wearing red suits.  Not to mention that they both heavily associated with the Christian religion.  Neither have any concerns about jumping into fires or hot embers.  But most condemningly the modern Santa and Satan are never seen in the same room at the same time.