Super Excretions

Super Stool Sample

A result of his super alien metabolism.

Super Squirts

Viking Poo

Given enough time and right environmental circumstances, undisturbed poo begins to fossilise in the ground. When unearthed at a later date, Paleoscatologists (ancient poo specialists) go shit crazy over this desiccated human dung, referring to logs of hardened crap under the more scientifically respectable names of coprolite or paleofeces (specifically human corpolite).

 

 

The biggest recorded coprolite was found in 1972 by archaeologists excavating the Viking settlement of Jórvík in York, northern England, measuring 23 cm long.  Known as The Lloyds Bank Coprolite, it was found in beneath the site of what was to become the York branch of Lloyds Bank, it is a paleofeces, and is believed to be the largest fossilised human turd ever found.  Analysis of the weighty stool has indicated that its producer subsisted largely on meat and bread, and the presence of several hundred parasitic eggs suggests he (or she) was riddled with intestinal worms.  In 1991, paleoscatologist Andrew Jones made international news with his appraisal of the item for insurance purposes, saying: "This is the most exciting piece of excrement I've ever seen. In its own way, it's as valuable as the Crown Jewels".  Proving that not all that glitters is gold.

 

The specimen was put on display at the city's Archaeological Resource Centre run by the York Archaeological Trust. Unfortunately in 2003 tragedy struck, a curator removed removed the paleoturd from its display for a party of VIP's to fondle and in his excitement dropped the fossilised bum nugget breaking it into three pieces.  Fortunately it was reconstructed that same year and in 2008 it was transferred to a display at the JORVIK Viking Centre, where it is now on permanent display nearby a life-sized animatronic Viking townsman in the act of squatting above a Viking latrine.

 

Genital Cleanliness

I have a new hygiene theory.

When you’re a guy and you go to the toilet, you need to touch your genitals to point yourself in the right direction.  When you’re done it is common practice that you wash your hands after (although studies show that about 20% of adults don’t). My theory is though, for the average person, the hand is actually less clean than their genitals.

Have a think about it, all day you walk around touching grubby door handles and hand rails then you go touch your genitals when you go to the toilet, clean your hand then go handle some germ covered money, open bin lids and go touch yourself in the toilet and make your penis even more germ contaminated.  Then you go home and you want your partner to put it in their mouth.

What would be much better would be to wash your hands before you go touch yourself in the toilet.  That way the only filth on your genitals is the crusty stuff from the previous night that wouldn't wash off.

Here's a nice sign:

Because the last thing you want is dirty genitals touching your food.

Measuring The Burn

I've had four conversations in the past three weeks involving chilli and chilli sauce, so I decided to do a blog post that includes an example of the Scorville scale. 

The Scoville scale is a measurement of the spicy heat of a chilli pepper. The number of Scoville heat units indicates the amount of capsaicin present in a chilli or chilli sauce.  Capsaicin is the chemical compound that stimulates the nerve endings in the skin and create the burning sensation. The Scorville scale measures chilli peppers and their products by how much water is required to dilute the capsaicin.  Due to variations in growing conditions, soil and weather, etc, the heat scale can vary between harvests.

Here's a small selection of chilli peppers and their Scorville rating.

Sweet Bell pepper  0
Pimento  100 - 200 
Tuscan peppers  100 - 500
New Mexico pepper  500 - 1,000 
Jalapeño  2,500 - 5,000 
Hot Wax pepper  5,000 - 10,000 
Tabasco pepper   30,000 - 50,000 
Thai pepper   50,000 - 100,000
Habanero  100,000 - 350,000
Caribbean Red  120,000 - 400,000
Ghost Chilli   800,000 - 1,041,000
Common Pepper spray  2,000,000
Police grade Pepper spray  5,300,000
Homodihydrocapsaicin  8,600,000
Nordihydrocapsaicin  9,100,000
Pure Capsaicin  16,000,000

Capsaicinoids are not soluble in water, but very soluble in fats, oils and alcohol, this is why drinking water won't stop the burn.  To get some relief from a chilli burn, drink milk or eat ice-cream. Milk contains casein, a substance that surrounds and washes away the fatty capsaicin molecules the same way that soap washes away grease.

When you eat chilli you experience the burn as the capsaicin binds to receptors in your mouth, but the rest of the gastro intestinal tract are not lined with the same receptors and hence you do not experience burning as the hot meal makes its way through you.  Capsaicin is not broken down completely by digestion so what exits through the back door still contains a reasonable amount of the chemical. 

Where the intestinal tract ends (you know which part I'm talking about) there are large numbers of nerve receptors which is why you get ring burn the following day.  If it gets too bad you could make yourself an icecream enema.  But the important thing is that  you don't start dragging your arse around on the dining room carpet like your pet.

Toilet Behaviour

Whenever I use the toilets at work or pubic toilets, I have this fear of being the victim of false accusations as I’m leaving.  When you use the toilet and someone before you has stunk the whole place up, then when you are done in there and someone comes in as you are leaving or washing up, that person is gong to think you are the one that stunk the whole place up.

If it's a really bad stink that makes them gag and dry retch they’re going to think you are the really gross one for stinking the place up so badly. If you are at work, or similar environment, that persons going to associate the stink with you every time they see you in passing for at least the rest of the day.  Maybe even forever.

It's like an olfactory case of mistaken identity.

 The only way around it is to stake out the toilet and pick the least busy time then hope no one changes their routine and ends up finding you guilty for a crime you didn’t commit.