Battle Umbrella

The Unbreakable® Umbrella made by real Self-Defence, is the secret agent tool you've been waiting to for.  Just as strong as a steel pipe but only weighing between 590g & 822 g (depending on the model).  With has no unusual parts, no more metal than an average umbrella, it does not arouse suspicion, can be carried legally everywhere, unlike a walking stick or cane it does not cause strange looks if carried by an able-bodied person, and it even protects against rain! Sadly it won't stop bullets, nor does it spray concussion gas at the twist of the handle.

 

 

Available in three models: telescopic, standard, and premium.  The main difference between the models is in the frame of the umbrella, which is the structure that holds the fabric open, but they share the same “proprietary composite” core shaft.  In other words, all models are equally strong in the whacking department.  Apparently it has become standard issue for the Presidential Security Group of the Philippines. 

 

 

I like the telescopic one the most.  Here's the website link: http://real-self-defense.com/
 

10000 Kicks

Sweep the Leg

Ankle Injuries by Fujiya & Miyagi

 

Ankle Injuries is made entirely with six sided dice! The origins of the band's name (Fujiya & Miyagi) come from a character in the original The Karate Kid movie and a brand of a record player.  The band seems to often sneak in Karate Kid references into many of their songs.

 

 

Kill Potter

Harry and the Bikini Bandits by Basil Heatter.

Many years after defeating Voldemort, Harry Potter left England and moved to the Caribbean where he became a local small arms dealer.  After working on his tan, he then attempted to model himself on David Carradine role in his favourite Quentin Tarantino film, Kill Bill. Using the powers of his magical throbbing wand, Harry attracted a trio of kick arse, action women to complete his outfit.  Sadly, Potter never truly achieved anything but local notoriety on his tiny island due to developing an addiction to coconut cocktails, eventually losing his fortune and becoming a homeless alcoholic that slept in the park and made outrageous claims to strangers about being a wizard.

 

 

Dodging Bullets

In theory any moving object can be avoided given the right time frame.  Now assuming we don't have super speed, what's the minimum distance needed to successfully dodge a bullet?  We're also going to assume we move the right way not the wrong way on reflex.

 

Here's the maths:

Average human reaction time is 0.19 of a second, for visual stimulus.  So yeah, with this theory you have to actually see the gun fire.

Activation of muscle fibre averages at 0.008333 of a second for humans, so the total reflex time is of 0.198333 of a second.  Let's round that up to a tidy 0.2 of a second.
The bullet speed of a 9mm pistol is 340m/s.  .2 of 340m gives a 68m minimum distance to dodge a 9mm pistol bullet.

 

Alternatively, given that distance and pistol accuracy, you may be better of just standing sideways, sucking in your gut and hoping for the best.

 

 

Now, here's the distances of some other firearms to try not to get shot with:

.22 pistol/rifle fires at 290m/s giving a 58m minimum dodge distance.
Magnum fires at 460m/s giving a 92m minimum dodge distance.
The average assault rifle fires at 920m/s giving a 184m minimum dodge distance.

 

Well there's the mathematics for the theory, good luck trying that out in the field.

 

 

Kung Fu Cafe

 

 

One of the places we stopped to eat when I was overseas recently was the Kung Fu Paradise Cafe.  It had lots of  kung fu named items on the menu like Kung Fu Masters Salad, The Art of Wok and Kung Fu Stylo Coffee, but the best value items on the menu are the large burgers.

 

 

 

The thing to take not of though, is that Kung Fu Paradise doesn’t have burgers, they have bumgers.  Beef bumgers, chicken bumgers and the must try signature Kung Fu Bumgers.

 

 

Bumgers beat burgers hands down, there should be a restaurant chain called Bumger King. Their advertising campaign could say “The juiciest bumgers around. Come in and put your mouth on our enticing bumgers.”

Abba Kung Fu

Abba was way ahead of their time, if you listen closely to their song Take a Chance on Me you will realise that it's about Jackie Chan. The lyrics go:

"If you chance your mind (Jackie Chan)
  I'm the first in line (Jackie Chan)"

Quite surprising considering at the time of the songs 1976 release, Jacky was still only being cast in supporting roles after much uncredited stunt work. On further listening it turns out Abba had a strong kung fu theme in several of their songs like in their song Dancing Queen:

"See that girl, watch her scream, kicking the dancing queen"

And also, if you listen carefully to their song Chiquitita they sing:

"Kick her teeth out, tell me what's wrong"

Good Morning

Had most of the day to myself today.  Spent the morning smashing myself on my wooden dummy for around an hour until I was sore and got a swollen wrist.  Then used some herbal relief cream and sat on the massage chair watching Sci-fi channel with a coffee and half a glass of wine for the rest of the morning.

What a great day.  but I'm still a bit sore.

Dancing Threats

Shut Up and Dance, Dance Before The Police Come.



Despite considering themselves armed and dangerous, the members of Shut Up and Dance live in fear of being sat down and given a good talking to by Sting.

This Limited edition includes a free seven inch.  But the question is a seven inch what?

Kung Food

I've recently been made aware of a restaurant chain called Kung Fu or Zhen Gongfu (Real Kung-fu) in Chinese.  With Bruce Lee in Game of Death attire as its mascot, which absolutely kicks the McDonald clowns ass.  You can picture that epic fight with Bruce Lee winding up with a clown shoe print on his chest.  I first found out about this food chain from a blog called Daves Long Box.  That’s where I pinched the photos from (thanks Dave).  I've done a little investigating about the franchise since then.

The Kung Fu fast food chain was started around eleven years ago by a 22-year-old and now there are almost 300 locations around China.  Kung Fu is by far the cleanest, most efficient, and best-designed fast food chain to be found on mainland China.  Offering great priced, healthy Chinese meals and with their kung fu speed they proudly deliver all orders in under 60 seconds.  Despite their popularity and having a bilingual menu as standard, they are still relatively unknown to most foreigners.

I will definitely be on the lookout for a Kung Fus next time I travel. Hopefully they will keep expanding, I would really love to see this food chain here in Australia and considering the popularity of noodle bars, I think it would do well.  But will they pipe Regurgitators “Kong Foo Sing” over the muzak speakers?

Here's there companys webpage: Kung Fu.

Swords by Candlelight

I'm trying not to talk to much about the flood because the talk about it is everywhere else.  but with the flood waters rising here, the other night our power was cut off until morning leaving me to occupy myself in the middle of the night by candle light.  I thought about reading a book but the idea of setting fire to the pages and waking up the rest of the house with burnt screaming put me off that.  I ended up doing some sword training in the candle light, returning to a plan of doing 3000 cuts each day (in my underwear!).  I've found 3000 cuts a day is a bit harsh on my shoulders so I'm only managing about 3 or so days in a week for now.

The following morning parts of the CBD were flooded and I went looting to see how bad the damage was.   The water is not far below the levels to the 1974 flood. Here's a comparative picture of one of the local pubs, one from 1974 and one I took while the water was still rising another meter or so.

Wtih the dams at 190% capacity the local council has still not yet removed the level 4 water restrictions from the drought one and a half years ago.

Astro TV

A second pre-planned post.

By this stage I'm probably kicking back watching one of my mother in-laws favourite soaps.  I forget it's name, it's like Days of Our Lives but with kung fu and sorcery!  Astro is the local pay TV provider im Malaysia. Television is awesome over here.

One of my favourites is the Super Trio Show which is a show from Hong Kong where celebrities are made to do challenges no one expects them to win at and then get tormented in some way when they lose.  I’ve seen similar shows in Australia but they seem to lack the crazy energy of some of the Chinese celebrities.

SBS should syndicate some of these shows back home.

Smashing Kung Fu Photos

Here's a collection of photos from a photographic artist named Martin Klimas that I'm quite impressed with. My initial impression was that the photographed image was Photoshopped to improve the original result, however, it turns out there's no computer enhancement at all.

Interview Quote:

"I drop the figurine from the same height in complete darkness while the lens of the camera is open. When the figurine hits the ground, the sound triggers the lights to go off for a fraction of a second. I do this procedure many times or until I find the one frame that is just right. I keep just one such picture for every figurine. Every attempt yields a unique outcome, so I need to look for the one that best expresses a transformation of the figurine into a new form."

He has various other smashing subject matter, along with some other works, but I like the Chinese kung fu statues the best. His web page is here: http://www.martin-klimas.de/

Mok Jong

Yesterday I got wood!

It's the kind of wood I've wanted for around ten years.

It didn't take long to erect at all and stands quite firm.

Having wood is good, especially when well polished.

This morning it was still there and I pounded it for quite a while until I was worn out.  If I'm in the mood, I may even let visitors have a turn beating my wood.  But not just anyone that comes to the door looking for it.  Only if they enjoy working their hands on wood and have strong wrists.

Here’s a video of Yip Man, the footage was taken about a week before he died of cancer.

Bart Jarm Dao

There's an old saying about swords:
"Practicing 3000 cuts a day will make you an average swordsman."

By my count the Bart Jarm Dao (butterfly sabre form) contains 71 cuts (plus all the blocking etc.).  Can be counted as more and can be counted as less depending on how you count define a cut.  The exact number is less important than the fact there's a ripe amount of technique in the form.

71 is a nice number numerologically as it can be summed to 8 (7+1), which is a good Chinese kung fu number.  If I can't have a tidy number like 50 or 100, then I want a good esoteric number!  So the cuts counted shall be 71.

So the maths is 3000/71 = 42.25352112676056338... I was hoping it would be 42 sets because that's the meaning of life. But it's a bit short, 71 x 42 = 2982. 
Let's try 43 sets.  71 x 43 = 3053. That's about right.

This afternoon I did 43 sets of the Bart Jarm Dao, and now I am one step towards being average.  The only flaw I see in this plan is that the old saying gives no clue to how long this will take...