Super Excretions

Super Stool Sample

A result of his super alien metabolism.

Super Squirts

Poo Cooking

Cooking With Poo by Poo Saiyuud Diwong.

This book leaves a bad taste in my mouth...

Anyway, if you'd like to cook with poo you can take some cooking with poo classes at the cooking with poo school.

Viking Poo

Given enough time and right environmental circumstances, undisturbed poo begins to fossilise in the ground. When unearthed at a later date, Paleoscatologists (ancient poo specialists) go shit crazy over this desiccated human dung, referring to logs of hardened crap under the more scientifically respectable names of coprolite or paleofeces (specifically human corpolite).

 

 

The biggest recorded coprolite was found in 1972 by archaeologists excavating the Viking settlement of Jórvík in York, northern England, measuring 23 cm long.  Known as The Lloyds Bank Coprolite, it was found in beneath the site of what was to become the York branch of Lloyds Bank, it is a paleofeces, and is believed to be the largest fossilised human turd ever found.  Analysis of the weighty stool has indicated that its producer subsisted largely on meat and bread, and the presence of several hundred parasitic eggs suggests he (or she) was riddled with intestinal worms.  In 1991, paleoscatologist Andrew Jones made international news with his appraisal of the item for insurance purposes, saying: "This is the most exciting piece of excrement I've ever seen. In its own way, it's as valuable as the Crown Jewels".  Proving that not all that glitters is gold.

 

The specimen was put on display at the city's Archaeological Resource Centre run by the York Archaeological Trust. Unfortunately in 2003 tragedy struck, a curator removed removed the paleoturd from its display for a party of VIP's to fondle and in his excitement dropped the fossilised bum nugget breaking it into three pieces.  Fortunately it was reconstructed that same year and in 2008 it was transferred to a display at the JORVIK Viking Centre, where it is now on permanent display nearby a life-sized animatronic Viking townsman in the act of squatting above a Viking latrine.

 

Redless Day

On average, men shell out more than double the money than women do on valentines gifts. Men buy most of the millions of boxes of chocolates and bouquets of flowers given on Valentine's Day.  Women purchase approximately 85% of all valentines cards, men purchase 73% of Valentines Day flowers and around 15% of women send themselves valentines flowers.  In order of popularity, Valentine's Day cards are given to teachers, children, mothers, wives, sweethearts and pets. About 3% of pet owners will give valentines gifts to their pets.

 

For some reason the Italian city of Verona receives about 1,000 letters each year addressed to Juliet from William Shakespeare's play.  Her admirers seem to have forgotten she dies at the end of the play.

 

Valentine's Day is banned in Saudi Arabia. The nation has a religious police force that uphold the annual ban with support from the Commission for Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice. Everything related to the holiday is prohibited - chocolates, flowers, gifts, even the colour red. Nothing red can be worn or sold on Valentine’s Day in Saudi Arabia, florists put away their red roses and store owners take down anything that’s red, heart–shaped, or vaguely Valentine’s Dayish. The penalty for defying these orders is the store being shut down. Individuals are also not supposed to wear anything red on Valentine’s Day. If they do, they will be denied entry into school, work, stores wherever they go.  The ban is based on Islamic legal ruling against pagan holidays, under order of the religious police.

 

 

Santas Little Redhead

A special double Christmas edition of the monthly book cover, Book One and Two of The Santa Claus Chronicles by Robert Devereaux.  Santa Steps Out and Santa Claus Conquers The Homophobes.

On the cover of Santa Steps Out, Santa is "stepping out" with a fiery redheaded woman in the embers of her fireplace. It is a well documented fact that Santa (much like Satan) is quite fire resistant. The same can not be said for the smouldering redhead who is already showing signs of burning and may well burst into flames at any moment.



The cover of Santa Claus Conquers The Homophobes depicts yet another naked redheaded woman who has the power of financial defecation.  Not necessarily the greatest power to possess, but probably not the worst, especially in difficult economic times.  Red relieves herself on the belly of a pregnant woman as Santa watches proudly. This may be the same redheaded woman he "stepped out with" in the previous book and imbibed her with his magical spirit of charity and giving. Which would go a long way towards explaining why she can poo gold coins.  Hopefully they are gold coins and not those foil wrapped chocolate ones popular at Christmas time, especially considering their place of manufacture.

Lego Centipede Set

Just in time for Christmas!

Grandma Werewolf

The origins of the Little Red Riding Hood story can be traced to various versions across Europe, however, It may have even earlier origins in the Chinese tale "Grandaunt Tiger".  In the 10th century it was being told by French peasants, and by Italian peasants in 14th century. A common title was "La finta nonna" (The False Grandmother). It has also been known as "The Story of Grandmother".

 

These early variations of the tale are often nothing like the happy disneyfied tripe most of us know today, the antagonist is often a "bzou" (werewolf) or sometimes even an ogre. The tale is relevant to the werewolf-trials of the time (similar to the later witch trials) and has notable sexual references, not the least of which is the rampant, horny, wild dog.  Sometimes in these versions there's no "red hood" and they usually feature the wolf leaving the grandmother’s blood and meat for the girl to eat and drink.  Little Red unwittingly cannibalises her own grandmother before Wolfie asks her to remove her clothes and throw them in the fire.  In some versions, the wolf eats the girl after the implied sex, and the story ends there.  In other versions, she escapes by saying that she needs to poo and does not want to do it in the bed so Wolfie lets her go outside.

 

The earliest known printed version "Le Petit Chaperon Rouge" (Little Red Riding Hood), was written in the 17th century for the French court of King Louis XIV.  The story describes its subject as an "attractive, well-bred young lady".  The village girl is deceived into telling the wolf how to find her grandmother's house.  Wolfie eats the old woman, then waits for Red.  There's the whole get undressed and into bed thing before he eats her and there is no happy ending.  Except maybe for Wolfie.

 

In the 19th century advances in printing methods led to the rise of the children's book industry, and Victorian editors continued altering fairy tales to make them suitable for younger and younger children wherein the woodsman hero saving the day was added.  Later again, particularly in American versions, the Grandmother hides from the wolf in the cupboard.  All versions, modern and old, make the contrast between the safety of the village and the dangers of the forest and have a stranger danger theme, sometimes mixed with a coming of age theme too.  The origin of the cloaks red colour is usually taken as a menstrual blood symbol.

 

 

Here's a brief written version from some time in the early 18th century:

 

The Story of Grandmother (by Unknown)

 

There was once a woman who had some bread, and she said to her daughter: "You are going to carry a hot loaf and a bottle of milk to your grandmother.
The little girl departed. At the crossroads she met the bzou who said to her: "Where are you going?"
"I'm taking a hot loaf and a bottle of milk to my grandmother."
"What road are you taking," said the bzou, "the Needles Road or the Pins Road?"
"The Needles Road," said the little girl.
"Well, I shall take the Pins Road."
The little girl enjoyed herself picking up needles. Meanwhile the bzou arrived at her grandmother's, killed her, put some of her flesh in the pantry and a bottle of her blood on the shelf. The little girl arrived and knocked at the door.
"Push the door," said the bzou, "it's closed with a wet straw."
"Hello Grandmother; I'm bringing you a hot loaf and a bottle of milk."
"Put them in the pantry. You eat the meat that's in it and drink a bottle of wine on the shelf."
As she ate there was a little cat that said: "A slut is she who eats the flesh and drinks the blood of her grandmother!"

"Undress, my child," said the bzou, "and come and sleep beside me."
"Where should I put my apron?"
"Throw it in the fire, my child; you don't need it any more."
"Where should I put my bodice?"
"Throw it in the fire, my child; you don't need it any more."
"Where should I put my dress?"
"Throw it in the fire, my child; you don't need it any more."
"Where should I put my skirt?"
"Throw it in the fire, my child; you don't need it any more."
"Where should I put my hose?"
"Throw it in the fire, my child; you don't need it any more."
"Oh, Grandmother, how hairy you are!"
"It's to keep me warmer, my child"
"Oh, Grandmother, those long nails you have!"
"It's to scratch me better, my child."
"Oh, Grandmother, those big shoulders that you have!"
"All the better to carry kindling from the woods, my child."
"Oh, Grandmother, those big ears that you have!"
"All the better to hear you with, my child."
"Oh, Grandmother, that big mouth you have!"
"All the better to eat you with, my child!"
"Oh, Grandmother, I need to go outside to relieve myself."
"Do it in the bed, my child."
"No, Grandmother, I want to go outside." 
 "All right, but don't stay long."
The bzou tied a woollen thread to her foot and let her go out, and when the girl was outside she tied the end of the string to a big plum tree in the yard. The bzou got impatient and said:
"Are you making cables?" (defecating)

When he became aware that no one answered him, he jumped out of bed and saw that the little girl had escaped. He followed her, but her arrived at her house just at the moment she was safely inside.

Excreting Mozart

Mozart was absoloutely the first music super star.  If you can't appreciate his music, you really don't know music at all.  Sure there were other other famous composers but for super star status they really didn't compare.  It's sort of like comparing the guy who writes the opening title music for sitcoms to Elvis Presley.  Even Beethoven composed his own early works in the shadow of Mozarts talent.  Over his lifetime Mozart composed over 600 works, many acknowledged as pinnacles of symphonic, concertante, chamber, operatic, and choral music.  Born as Johannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart in 1756, but like most rock stars, he preferred to be known publicly as Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

 

When Mozart was three he would watch his seven year old sister, Nannerl, during her keyboard lessons with her father.  When he was four his father began to teach him a few minuets and pieces at the keyboard.  He could play faultlessly and with perfect timing.   At the age of five, he was already composing small pieces, which he played to his father who wrote them down.  In 1762, at the age of six, Mozart and his sister began his first concert tour across Europe which spanned three and a half years.  During this trip, Mozart met a great number of musicians and acquainted himself with the works of many other composers. A particularly important influence was Johann Bach.

 

Mozart was a big fan of excrement and had a fondness for scatological humour and poetry.  Something which is preserved in his letters, notably those written to his cousin Maria, but also in his correspondence with his sister and parents.  According to some research an estimate of 39 of Mozart's letters include scatological passages.  The majority of these are written to family members who occasionally included similar scatological humour in their own letters.  No doubt that if Mozart was alive today The Human Centipede would be pride of place in his DVD collection.

 

One of the surviving letters to his cousin Maria contains a fine example of Mozart's use of scatology: "Well, I wish you good night But first shit into your bed and make it burst. Sleep soundly, my love Into your mouth your arse you'll shove."  The German original is in rhyming verse.

Mozart even wrote scatological music, a series of canons that he sang with his friends:
 "Leck mich im Arsch" (Lick me in the arse)
  "Gehn wir im Prater, gehn wir in d' Hetz," (Off to the Prater, off to the Fun)
 “Difficile lectu mihi mars et jonicu” (Difficult thing for me is reading Mars and Ionian)
 "O du eselhafter Peierl" (Oh, you asinine Peierl)
 "Bona nox" (Good night)

As well as two canons by Trnka to which he gave new poo themed lyrics:
 "Leck mir den Arsch fein recht schön sauber" (Lick my arse right well and clean)
 "Bei der Hitz im Sommer eß ich" (In the heat of summer I eat)

 

An unusual phenomena occurs when listening to Mozart called, not surprisingly, The Mozart effect.  Mozart's music induces a short-term improvement on the performance of certain kinds of mental tasks known as spatial-temporal reasoning. If you look around, you will quickly realise that the opposite occurs when listening to Justin Bieber.

 

Researchers Shaw and Ky, investigated the effect of listening to music by Mozart on spatial reasoning.  They gave research participants one of three standard tests of abstract spatial reasoning after they had experienced each of three listening conditions: a sonata by Mozart, repetitive relaxation music, and silence.  They found a temporary enhancement of spatial-temporal reasoning, as measured by the Stanford-Binet IQ test.  What this shows is "that there are patterns of neurons that fire in sequences, and that there appear to be pre-existing sites in the brain that respond to specific frequencies."  Unfortunately, the research also showed that the enhancing effect of the music condition is only temporary, no student had effects extending beyond a 15-minute period.

 

So there you have it, listening to music about poo can benefit your brain.  Try it out yourself, here’s Leck mich im Arsch (Lick me in the arse). 

 

 

I'm waiting for the karaoke version to come out.

 

Faecal Transplant

While some bacteria is bad, and makes us sick, there's other bacteria that wriggles around inside us and helps us digest food. Regardless of how much Disinfectant you want to spray around the house, the fact is that without these germs you're not going to be in good health at all. On rare occasions it's possible for these bacteria within us to die off, raising all sorts of medical issues. Usually from things like high levels of antibiotics or poisoning.

But not to fear, medical science has the solution in the delightful form of a faecal transplant, wherein faeces of a donor loaded with healthy new bacteria is injected into the patients colon with the plan to make a new home for themselves in the intestine. The procedure is the easy part the hard part is finding a suitable donor. You have to ask around your family and friends if they could help you out with a crappy favour you need. If you don't have any family or friends you could try putting an ad in the paper.

Once the donor has been found, they need to collect around five days supply of their feces and store it properly by putting it in their fridge during the five day period. After that, generally the donor transports their entire collection of excrement to the hospital. Because their donated supply can't be frozen, if they are travelling long distance they will need to check it in as carry-on luggage, not cargo, and explain everything to the airport staff.

The donors excrement is then mixed with saline to create a supply of five to ten days worth of enemas administered at the hospital. The donors payload can also be administered through a nasogastric tube, delivering the bacteria directly to the small intestine. Or in other words a tube is inserted through the nose, down through the stomach and excrement is pumped in. Occasionally both methods are used to increase effectiveness, attacking the problem from both ends as it were.

These days everything's about awareness, so I'm thinking I should set up a booth in the mall and make everyone purchase brown ribbons and soft toys. With a bit of support it could become a movement.