Flying Solo

Sex For One by Betty Dodson.

 

There's not all that much joy.

Criminal Justice Omelettes

This months book cover: The D.A. Breaks An Egg by Erle Stanley Gardner.

"In the Criminal Justice System the omelettes are prepared by two separate, yet equally important groups. The police who raise the chickens and the District Attorneys who scramble the eggs. These are their stories."

 

 

Tramping Horse

The Thoroughbred and the Tramp by Burgess Leonard

The question is: which is which?

Dickless Tracy

The Dick by Bruce Jay Friedman.

No matter how good his private investigating skills are, the dick won't be doing much probing if he runs around with his hair-trigger gun holstered like that.

The term "dick" for a detective was originally coined in Canada the and brought south into the United States by rum runners during the prohibition.  The fictional comic strip character Dick Tracy was given the first name of Dick in token of its being a slang expression for "detective".  Female detectives have in the past been called Dickless Tracy's or DT's.  Not to be confused with the Australian term DT for male swimwear meaning dick togs.

 

 

Buddha by Christmas

This year not a Christmas book but a book titled Buddhism by , oddly, a man called Christmas Humphreys.

 

 

Christmas Humphreys was a British barrister who prosecuted several controversial cases in the 1940s and 1950s, and later became a judge at the Central Criminal Court, more commonly known as "the Old Bailey".  He wrote a numerous works on Buddhism and founded what became the London Buddhist Society in 1924. His former home in St John's Wood, London, is now a Buddhist temple.  Humphreys was also president of the Shakespeare Fellowship, a position to which he was elected in 1955. The Fellowship advanced the theory that the plays generally attributed to Shakespeare were in fact the work of Edward de Vere, 17th Earl of Oxford.

 

"Christmas Humphreys was on the bench. Nice fellow, you must know him – a little bloke, wears a wig, you can see the join if you look closely." - Tony Hancock.

Chuck Cunninghams Revenge

The Cunningham Equations by G.C. Edmonson & C.M. Kotlan.

 

 

Charles "Chuck" Cunningham, the eldest son of Howard and Marion Cunningham, older brother of Richie and Joanie, college student and basketball player, disappeared with little explanation early in the second season of Happy Days.  His Mother dismisses mention of him just the once by saying he's gone off to college.  Chuck was never seen, heard from, or mentioned again.  His Father completely denies his existence in later episodes mentioning how proud he is of his only two children (Richie and Joanie).

 

After Chucks bitter ostracization from the Cunningham family and his parents refusal to accept his homosexual life choices.  he vowed his revenge.  He spent his time in isolation developing a software system capable of transferring his army of genetically engineered, insectoid abductors through the internet.  His victims, enticed by the promise of greater intelligence and success, being processed as food for his ever expanding insectoid legion.

Shades of Sea Green

Cthulhu Coloring Book by Amy Crook

 

 

Here's the inside preview:

 

 

Available here through Etsy.

 

 

Sharpening Skills

How To Sharpen Pencils by David Rees.

Yes it's a real book....

 

 

See.

 

Beam Me Naked

Interworld by Isidore Haiblum.

It appears as though a young, naked Montgomery Scott ("Scotty"), intended to call Interflora, has inadvertently dialled Inerworld and is now being transported across the universe to his surprise.  He's going to regret not wearing pants when he lands on Hoth.

 

Lin Carters brief review of the author and his novel in the corner conjures a William Shatner voiceover.

 

 

Poo Cooking

Cooking With Poo by Poo Saiyuud Diwong.

This book leaves a bad taste in my mouth...

Anyway, if you'd like to cook with poo you can take some cooking with poo classes at the cooking with poo school.

Pretty Pussies

My Big Book of Pretty Pussies.

 

No. It's about cats.  Not what you were thinking of.

On Her Mind

This months book is A Woman's Mind Magnified published in 1918

This is why women never get anything done, they're busy thinking about hats.  If you want to break through the "glass ceiling" stop thinking about hats.

 

One Ring to rule them all,
One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all
and in the darkness bind them.

Super Gospel

The Gospel According to Superman by John T. Galloway. Jr.

I expect it contains:
Superman finding mount Ararat for Noah with his super-vision.
Superman parting the red sea with his super-breath.
Superman's kryptonian crystal building Solomons temple.
Superman giving CPR to Lazarus.
And other such super deeds.

Kill Potter

Harry and the Bikini Bandits by Basil Heatter.

Many years after defeating Voldemort, Harry Potter left England and moved to the Caribbean where he became a local small arms dealer.  After working on his tan, he then attempted to model himself on David Carradine role in his favourite Quentin Tarantino film, Kill Bill. Using the powers of his magical throbbing wand, Harry attracted a trio of kick arse, action women to complete his outfit.  Sadly, Potter never truly achieved anything but local notoriety on his tiny island due to developing an addiction to coconut cocktails, eventually losing his fortune and becoming a homeless alcoholic that slept in the park and made outrageous claims to strangers about being a wizard.

 

 

February 30ths Book

This is last months book at the start of this month on account of the end of the month sneaking up on me.  Eric John written by Edward Fenton.  Eric John appears as though he may be a big cat.

 

Although nothing to do with lions, tigers or books, February is short.  I blame Sacrobosco.  When Julius Cesar created the Julian Calendar, months were formed by adding ten days to a regular pre-Julian Roman Republican year of 355 days, creating a regular Julian year of 365 days. The 13th-century scholar Sacrobosco thought that Julius Caesars calendar had 29 regular days in February and 30 on leap years.  He then said Augustus changed this, by taking one day from February to add it to the month of Sextilis, so that the length of Augustus (August) would not be shorter than (and therefore inferior to) the length of Iulius (July).

 

This story of Augustus and February is still widely repeated but completely wrong.

Journey To The West in Space and Time

It's Chinese new year.  Being so this months book cover is a questionable comic book interpretation of the famous Journey To The West story: Adventure of Karate Pig, Ninja Flounder & The 4-D Monkey.

 

This Hong Kong comic, printed in English, features the monkey king travelling around the universe on dubiously connected quests.  It's the year 2988 and the all new four-dimensional (?) monkey king called Sun is created, not from a stone egg, but in a laboratory.  Likewise are his companions, no not Pigsy and Sandy, but Piggy the Karate Pig and Fishy the Ninja Flounder.  It goes without saying that the heavenly armies and demons that Monkey battles are space aliens.  But I said it anyway.

 

 

Piggy is drawn with a Hitler moustache.

 

Santas Little Redhead

A special double Christmas edition of the monthly book cover, Book One and Two of The Santa Claus Chronicles by Robert Devereaux.  Santa Steps Out and Santa Claus Conquers The Homophobes.

On the cover of Santa Steps Out, Santa is "stepping out" with a fiery redheaded woman in the embers of her fireplace. It is a well documented fact that Santa (much like Satan) is quite fire resistant. The same can not be said for the smouldering redhead who is already showing signs of burning and may well burst into flames at any moment.



The cover of Santa Claus Conquers The Homophobes depicts yet another naked redheaded woman who has the power of financial defecation.  Not necessarily the greatest power to possess, but probably not the worst, especially in difficult economic times.  Red relieves herself on the belly of a pregnant woman as Santa watches proudly. This may be the same redheaded woman he "stepped out with" in the previous book and imbibed her with his magical spirit of charity and giving. Which would go a long way towards explaining why she can poo gold coins.  Hopefully they are gold coins and not those foil wrapped chocolate ones popular at Christmas time, especially considering their place of manufacture.

A Red Right Hand

The Red Right Hand a mystery by Joel Twensley Rogers and not Nick Cave.

 

One of Nick Caves signature songs Red Right Hand, was written in 1994 depicting a mysterious character appearing on the edge of town. In the song Song of Joy from his Murder Ballads album Cave reveals the phrase is from a line in John Milton's epic poem Paradise Lost that refers to the vengeful hand of God. Nick Sings:

"It seems he has done many, many more,
  quotes John Milton on the walls in the victim's blood.
  The police are investigating at tremendous cost.
  In my house he wrote 'his red right hand'.
  That, I'm told, is from Paradise Lost."

The appearance in Paradise Lost (Book II, 170-174) is:

"What if the breath that kindled those grim fires,
  Awaked, should blow them into sevenfold rage,
  And plunge us in the flames; or from above
  Should intermitted vengeance arm again
  His red right hand to plague us?"

 

The original term itself appears to be Milton's translation of the term "rubente dextra" in Horace's Ode i.2,2

 

So it would appear that the mystery contained in this book is a story of bloody vengeance, and not excessive masturbation after all.

Blank Maps

 

How to market black pieces of paper to geographers.





Camel Toe

For this months book cover I present Man and Camel, a collection of poems by Mark Strand.

Keeping the crack of your camel toe sand free will lead to happier humps.