Lonliest Ho

A Christmas themed book cover, The Loneliest Ho in the World by Travis Heaton.

It gets very lonely hoing for Santa up around the North Pole.

Jeffs Peril

If you listen closely to the Christmas song Deck the Halls you'll hear:

"Dawn we now our day of peril.
Fa la la la la, la la la lah."

and

"Strike the heart, enjoy the florist.
Fa la la la la, la la la lah."

Also in the Christmas song entitled The Chrismas Song, the words are:

"Jeffs nuts roasting on an open fire."

That'll teach him not to fall asleep.

Christmas History

This day in history:

Xmas Movie

I think said mostly everything I wanted to about Santa in last years post.  Except that Santa gives more and better presents to rich kids than he does to poor kids.

Here's something you can think about when you sit down to eat your Christmas pudding:

That's what the sequel should be.

Astro-Weenie Christmas Tree

If you're stuck for novel dinner or lunch hosting ideas this Christmas you could try your hand at making Charles Phoenix's Astro-Weenie Christmas Tree.  Noting brings joy to the yuletide festivities more than an Astro-Weenie Tree.

You and your guests will be as happy a Charles when you wop out your Astro-Weenies at the Christmas dining table and all you need do is follow the instructions for your own Astro-Weenie Christmas Tree and many other home cooking wonders at CharlesPhoenix.com.

Reindeer Roast

Known commonly as venison, reindeer may be eaten as steaks, tournedos, roasts, sausages, jerky and minced meat. It has a flavour reminiscent of beef, but is richer and can have a gamey note.  One of the best things reindeer has in its favour is its low fat content. A 100g serving contains just over 2g of fat. Of that, less than 1g is saturated fat. A similarly sized beef rib-eye steak, contains nearly 15g of total fat, with almost 6g of saturated fat.

Reindeer meat is also low-calorie. A 100g serving contains only 150 calories whereas the same serving of beef contains 249 calories.  Additionally, reindeer has a slightly higher protein content than beef. A 100g serving of reindeer will provide over 75 percent of the recommended daily intake of vitamin B12 for an adult. Vitamin B12 is essential for several life processes including red blood cell formation, DNA synthesis and healthy metabolism.   Because of its high nutritional value, reindeer meat is the smart choice for your Christmas family dinner.

If you can down one, you'll find Santa's flying reindeers less gamy with a misty, magical taste somewhere between the unicorn and the Quilin.

Santa Shakedown

When Batman's around you better watch out and you better not pout, Santa.

Xmas Road Toal

Australia entered the Afghanistan War on October 7 2001.  Since that time 32 Australian soldiers have been killed over the past ten years serving in Afghanistan.  In contrast there has been 14598 Australians killed in car accidents over the same period.

What that means is, being an Australian soldier in a war zone is 456 times safer than being a civilian driving on an Australian road.  It probably has a lot to do with the fact that, despite the situation, Australian soldiers know what they're doing while half the drivers on the road don't have the slightest clue what they're doing.

Or maybe we should just all drive tanks.

Christmas Abyss

From The Urban Dictionary

Christmas Abyss

The conspicuous absence and lack of communication from all your friends who celebrate the Christmas holiday due to family commitments and/or over-consumption of alcohol on Christmas Eve.

"Man, I can't get a hold of anyone today. They must have fallen into the Christmas Abyss."

Cryptmas

It's that time of the year again and the Krampus is just around the corner.

Tales from the Crypt – Have Yourself a Scary Little Christmas

 

1. Intro to Albulm
2. Deck the Hall with Parts of Charlie
3. Juggle Bills
4. We Wish You’d Bury the Missus
5. Moe Teitlebaum
6. A Christmas Card for the Cryptkeeper
7. Christmas Rap
8. Intr to Cryptkeeper’s Family Christmas
9. Cryptkeeper’s Family Christmas
10. Twas the Fright Before Christmas
11. 12 Days of Cryptmas
12. Revenge of the Cryptkeeper
13. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
14. Should Old Cadavers Be Forgot


My favorite is track two.

Back & Crack

My latest idea is for an anti-dandruff shampoo called Back and Crack.  It's like Head and Shoulders shampoo, except it's for back and crack.

It's much needed.

Avon Man

The Man from Avon written by Michael Avallone and published, not surprisingly, by Avon.

This could possibly be the most awesome story ever written.  Larry McKnight makes James Bond look like an amateur.  After saving the damsel from the UFOs and parachuting back to earth he's still ready with his product briefcase in hand to sell her books and makeup.

The unfortunate truth about Larry McKnight is that not having a government pay check like Bond, has forced him to devise elaborate schemes involving alien abductions and heroic rescues so he can make his sales quota through his clients feelings of gratuitous obligation.

Mumbled Angst

Yellow Ledbetter by Perl Jam.  A 90's classic that nobody has ever actually heard the real lyrics to.  Not even the members of Pearl Jam know the words, a fact that Eddie Vedder admits in the song.

That's the trouble with grunge musicians, they don't articulate their words properly.  Even Sid Vicious of the Sex Pistols had good enunciation.  None of this mumbled angst, he knew how to get his message across.

Make me fries.

 

My Little Skeletor

Mari Kasurienen is an artist who predominantly sculpts my little ponies, but good ones.

It was the My Little Skeletor that caught my eye first and I must say, I quite like it. She sculpts all sorts of Little Ponies (as well as other works) taking her inspiration from just about any pop culture image that takes her fancy at the time.

Here's her website:
www.marikasurinen.com

F14 Tyrannosaurs

Thats just all kinds of awesome on so many levels.

Eel Invasion

Discovered an unusual incident involving an eel that was reported in The Daily Telegraph a couple of months ago (September 17).

A man in the Hubei province of China was relaxing in a spa bath with live eels to let them feed on his dead skin when one started travelling up his urethra!  He's quoted saying: "I tried to hold it and take it out, but the eel was too slippery to be held and it disappeared up my penis."

After three hours of surgery to remove the 15 centimeter eel from his bladder, it was found dead.  The surgeon who extracted the eel explained: "The diameter of the urethra in a man's penis is just a little narrower. But because eels are quite slippery, its body worked as a lubricant and got into the penis smoothly."

He probably shouldn't have peed in the bath. Reminds me of that line from The Hitchers song: "Eels up inside ya. Finding an entrance where they can."
 

(I couldn't resist reposting the song)

Here's the link to The Daily Telegraph story.

Textpectation

From The Urban Dictionary

Textpectation

The anticipation one feels when waiting for a response to a text message.

"I just texted her for a date – but now the textpectation is killing me."

Moon Gas

Moon gas is often caused by eating too many moon beans.  Now she's alone in her own little celestial cloud.

Performed by Dick Hyman and Mary Mayo...  at least it's not Mary Hyman with Dick Mayo.

Sorry.

Fire Demons!

After much research (well ok just a little bit) I have come to the conclusion that fire is alive!

It consumes (and requires) a fuel source to exist and leaves behind waste, it grows, it needs oxygen to breathe, it moves from one place to another, it can make baby fires, and dies. It could be argued that fire is just a bunch of chemical reactions, but I argue back that so are you. At the most basic level, living things like plants and animals are just self-sustaining chemical reactions, same as fire.

There is actually no unilateral agreed upon definition of life, but Generally there are considered to be seven traits something has to have to be considered to be alive. I'd like to point out that certain organisms, already accepted as being alive, don't have all seven of these traits.

The Seven Traits for Life:
1. Reactivity to the environment. Fires reacts more distinctly to differing environments than many microbes.
2. Ingestion of substance for energy to function. Yep.
3. Reproduction. Like asexual microbes fire can create offspring from its self.
4. Respiration. Fire requires oxygen, without oxygen it dies just like other forms of respiration. Some microbes don't actually respire anyway.
5. Emission of wastes. Yes, waste is produced from the consumption of fuels.
6. Internal Movement. Yes lots.
7. Cellular Structure. No, but neither do viruses which are generally considered to be some form of life.

See, fire is life Jim but not as we know it.  Fire is not so much extraterrestiral and alien life as it is primordial, and elemental.  It's dawn of time ancient. What sort of life is that?  A demon that's what! A fire demon!

In conclusion: Fire demons are real.

Happy Samhain

Samhain is pronounced Sah-ween if you're wondering how it transmuted into Halloween. These days Halloween is the second most commercially successful holiday in the world (the first is Christmas), even outselling Easter.

The witch is a central symbol of Halloween. The word comes from the Saxon wicca, meaning wise one. Some witches rode on horseback, but less financially wise witches went on foot and carried a broom or a pole to aid in vaulting over streams. When setting out for a Sabbath, witches rubbed a sacred flying ointment, that contained toad poison, onto their skin. This created feeling of flying, if they had been fasting the hallucination was even stronger. In England when new witches were initiated they were often blindfolded, smeared with flying ointment and placed on a broomstick. The ointment would confuse the mind, speed up the pulse and numb the feet. When they were told "You are flying over land and sea," the witch took their word for it.  Apparently if you want to meet a witch, put your clothes on inside out and walk backwards on Halloween night.  Try it at home then make accusations of your wife and threaten to put kindling under the bed.

Inspecting Wood

Wood is what allows trees to stand up firm and grow large, so if it's not standing erect it's not true wood.  Good wood can have some spring to it but is never flaccid.  A particular type of imperfection in a piece of wood is a knot. knots in your wood will affect its durability and performance, but can be exploited for visual effect with expert polishing.  Professions that work with wood are: carpenter, swamper, lumberjack, sculptor, and call-girl.

 

Abba Kung Fu

Abba was way ahead of their time, if you listen closely to their song Take a Chance on Me you will realise that it's about Jackie Chan. The lyrics go:

"If you chance your mind (Jackie Chan)
  I'm the first in line (Jackie Chan)"

Quite surprising considering at the time of the songs 1976 release, Jacky was still only being cast in supporting roles after much uncredited stunt work. On further listening it turns out Abba had a strong kung fu theme in several of their songs like in their song Dancing Queen:

"See that girl, watch her scream, kicking the dancing queen"

And also, if you listen carefully to their song Chiquitita they sing:

"Kick her teeth out, tell me what's wrong"

Scheming Seabiscuit

The truth behind the legend is that Seabiscuit was a bit like Lassy or Skippy but with evil supervillan tendencies.  What is Superboy doing talking to a horse anyway?

Phoenix Five

I've recently been made aware of an extremely low budget Australian Sci-Fi Series called Phoenix Five made in the 1960's.  And from what I can ascertain it's as absolutely as awesome as that sound.  I can't believe no one ever told me about this before, and it turns out it was the third in a trilogy of related TV sci-fi serials.

Phoenix Five has been accused of ‘cheaply going where Star Trek had boldly gone before’, but that acutely does it an injustice.  To understand Phoenix Five you have to first understand the preceding two serials of it's trilogy, The Interpretaris and Vega 4.

The Interpretaris aired in October 1966 and was in production before Star Trek went to air that September.  Filmed in black and white, the Interpretaris was set over 500 years in the future, with the Earth at the centre of a peaceful federation of planets. The title refers to the spacecraft, ‘The Interpretaris’ the flagship of the World Council fleet. The story centres around the crew returning alien specimens to their home worlds while outwitting an evil scientist.

It's interesting to note that The Interpretaris featured a Russian crew member from its start, significantly before the Star Trek series introduced Chekov.  It also featured a cumbersome computeroid (robot) called Henry.  The Interpretaris was not what your would call a sophisticated production but it was decided to make a sequel the following year called Vega 4.

Vega 4 was filmed in colour and featured all new evil scientist antagonist, set on an all new spaceship, the Vega 4, which looked exactly like the Interpertaris, and had an upgraded and improved computeroid called Henry which looked exactly like the Henry on the the Interpretaris.

The third series in the trilogy was Phoenix Five. The same basic formula was applied: the title referred to the spacecraft (which also resembled the earlier model), with a crew of two male, one female and a computeroid (this time called Karl).  The major difference was in the structure. Phoenix Five was not a serial, but consisted of self-contained episodes.

Here's the titles and groovy sound track. Enjoy.

Stop It

Irish Twins

From The Urban Dictionary
Irish Twins

Siblings born within 12 months of each other.

"They were like rabbits. Now their Irish twins are six and seven."

Space Excapade

Les Baxter and his sidekick toast suspicious beverages with suspicious coloured babeliens, while in the background a nice silhouette shows Baxters rocket primed and ready to blastoff.

Judging by his expression, it would appear to be Baxters sidekicks first close encounter with a clutch of multicoloured babliens but seems to be happy to dive right in.  Baxter himself appears to be well versed in alien affairs and appears to already have a bulge in his space suit to the amazement of the yellow babelien.

Insidious Purple Carrots

Found some purple carrots while getting groceries the other day.  They have a much more insidious appearance than the common orange variety, resembling some sort of evil zombie carrot. I decided to give them a try and they taste like... well, like carrots.

Thought I'd find out a bit more about these diabolical purple carrots to find that they aren’t a new strain or a hybrid but are actually the most ancient variety. The purple carrots predate the orange variety by many thousands of years.   Turns out these undead purple carrots are even higher in vitamins, beta-carotenes and antioxidants.  You can find out more on the history of carrots at the World Carrot Museum website. (Yes there's actually a carrot museum).

If you eat too many carrots (or other foods with lots of carotene) your skin can go yellow or orange. With that knowledge it was my hope that an excess of the evil purple carrots would lead to an inhumanly wicked skin shade. Disappointingly overdosing on carotene from purple carrots will still turn you orange not purple.

Is the next step to make an evil purple carrot cake?

 

Space Crack

This months book cover is The Crack in Space by Philip K. Dick.

As can be seen, the central character is a space plumber who, in true tradesman tradition, wears his pants low and lose. As Luigi the space plumber carries parts for the water chilling unit across scene, his employers look on in shock as they glimpse his beltline from behind. Luigi sings to himself loudly oblivious to the horror he reveals to the world at his rear. His unfortunate space comrades stand wishing for someone to end the sight, yet each one unnerved to inaction.

It Ain't a Sea

In their song This ain't a Scene, Fall Out Boy is most definately singing:

"This aint a sea its a god damn arse face."

and

"I'm a little man and I'm also evil, also into cats."

Yep, it's a song about a little evil man who likes cats.

Fat Monkey Thongs

Fat Monkey (or or Macaco Gordo to some) is the creation of Dutch artist Florentijn Hofman, with the enlisted help of some local art students.

Made out of 10,000 thongs (or flip flops to some) attached to an inflatable base Fat Monkey coincided with the 2010 Brazilian artists Pixel Show held in Sao Paulo.

Here's the link to the artists website with his Fat Monkey and other projects.

Retardo Jets

Unfortunately it's a highly accurate and apropriate statement.  Lets face it, Earth is the back water, hillbilly planet of the galaxy.  We really are at the arse end of the universe, the only alien visitors we get are teenage pranksters who enjoy tormenting individuals no one will believe.

Rasputins Penis

Many legends surround the pilgrim, mystic and faith-healer Grigori Rasputin, one-time advisor to the Romanov family and, as Boney M famously put it, 'Russia's greatest love machine'.  Of all the famous fables, few are quite as entertaining as the stories concerning the hairy monk's sizeable genitalia. Since his assassination in 1916 many people have claimed to have acquired the legendary phallus.

One would think that the Russian mystic and royal advisor was buried with his wedding tackle intact. Well some beg to differ. According to legend (not unlike the Holy Grail) a maid came into possession of the prize privates after Rasputin's death. Some say that Rasputin was castrated by his assassins and that the maid found the dismembered member when cleaning up the mess.  Others claim that she was one of the mad monks many bedtime companions and severed the sausage as a souvenir.

Whatever the truth of the matter, the allegation remains that: Rasputin's penis is at large in the world. And much like it did in its attached state, it is wont to wander.  It next turned up in Paris during the 1920s, where a group of Russian ex-patriates worshipped the wondrous weiner, believing it would bring them fertility.

On finding out about this crazy cult, Marie Rasputin (the mad monks daughter) expressed her disapproval of such goings-on and demanded the return of her dads dipstick.  Then, just when it seemed that the shaft had finally shrunk into obscurity, it popped up again in 1994. A Michael Augustine of California acquired the johnson by accident when he purchased the effects of a Dr. Ripple in 1977. Dr. Ripple had collaborated with Marie Rasputin on a hagiography of her father, and had inherited the wang on her demise. However, after Augustine sold the item in question to Bonham's auction house, tests were done and the suspect organ turned out not to be a penis at all but a sea-cucumber.

The latest twist in the trouser snake saga involves Russian doctor Igor Knyazkin, head physician of the Prostate Centre of Russia's Academy of Sciences. Igor decided to open the nation's first Museum of Erotica in 2004, inside a sexual health clinic, in order to display some of the 15,000 items he has amassed during his time as a sex object collector.  Amongst them is none other than the alleged appendage of the mad monk himself.  Measuring an unsightly 11 inches (nearly 30cm) long, it certainly measures up to the legendary reports of Rasputin's pork sword.  According to his daughter Marie the monks todger stood a throbbing 13 inches when standing at attention. (It’s best not to ask how his daughter became aware of these specific details).

Unfortunately no tests have been conducted on Dr. Knyazkin's pickled pecker, which raises some suspicion, and the general consensus amongst zoologists is that the ostracised organ most likely once belonged to an equine or bovine animal.  Will the real Rasputins Penis please stand up.

Here's Boney M doing there song about Rasputin.  It's a black German dancing as a Russian monk.

In a strange twist of coincidence, Bobby Farrell from Boney M was found dead from heart failure in a hotel room in Saint Petersburg, Russia, where he had been performing at the age of 61 on December 30, 2010.  He died on the anniversary of Rasputin's death which also occurred in St. Petersburg.

Guilt Wave

From The Urban Dictionary
Guilt Wave 

The wave given by a driver who just cut in ahead of you in traffic or knowingly did something that is completely wrong on the road.

"I was about to make a turn when this dude comes speeding by almost hitting me. He stopped at the last second and gave me a guilt wave."

 

Cucumber Castle

It’s OK it’s the Bee Gees, they’re brothers, it’s not a metaphor like how the term sausage factory could be construed to be.

Before they were the Bee Gees they called their band Wee Johnny Hayes & the Bluecats.  But it didn’t catch on.  And before you ask, no, Cucumber Castle isn't a reference to Wee Johnny in any respect.

Holiday Breakfast

Just back from overseas.  Had lots of my favorite holiday food, here's a photo of my usual breakfast.

It's called kutu mayam, sort of a soft rice noodle served with shredded coconut and brown sugar. Yum.

Breakfast is the most impertinent meal of the day.

Pocket Boners

Keeping in the theme of last weeks comic panel, this months book cover is The Pocket Book of Boners.  Illustrated by Dr Seuss, which is hardly surprising considering he wrote a book entitled There's a Wocket in my Pocket.

Yes it is a Boner in my pocket and no I'm not happy to see you.