Sunday, February 27, 2011

Cooking Your Dog

The price tag placement is what makes Cooking (for) Your Dog an outstanding book cover.

This book is a must for those who enjoy both the companionship and the full stomach feeling a loyal pet can provide.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Heard it Right

Yep, this is definately what they sing.
In the Song Lady Madonna The Beatles sing “Lady Madonna killed an anchovy, wonder how you managed to make Eds’ Meat.”

When R.E.M. sing Losing My Religion they most definitely are singing “Let's pee in the corner, Let's pee in the spotlight.”

In Here Comes The Rain Again, Annie Lennox from The Eurythmics is singing “Here comes Lorraine again, falling on my head like a mammary, falling on my head like a new commotion.”

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Another word from online dictionary.


The medical condition causing pain in the wrists after playing Guitar Hero for an extended amount of time.

"Man my wrists hurt from my guitarthritis."

I gave my son Guitar Hero a couple of months ago and I can confirm that excessive play results in not only guitarthritis but also causes its own form of "Tetris Syndrome".

If guitars aren't your thing, you could try Accordion Hero.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

The Smell of Grass Screaming

When attacked, plants release airborne chemical compounds, plants use these compounds almost like language.  The lovely scent of cut grass is the reek of your lawn screaming in agony.  Grass sheared off and left drying on the lawn releases up to 10 times more compounds as the cut grass still rooted in the ground.  To look at it another way, it’s screaming harder and louder.

Plants talk with these airborne compounds, signalling danger to other nearby, downwind plants.  The plants down wind respond in turn by preparing defences by increasing production of chemicals that caused their leaves to taste vile to insects.  Like a stinky Chinese whisper, the down wind plants often pass on this message even further down wind with chemicals of their own.

German scientists studying a wild tobacco plants have noticed that the compounds it releases are very specific.  When the plants are infested by caterpillars, the plants release a chemical that attract specific predatory bugs that eat the specific caterpillars attacking the plant.  The signal they send out can vary depending on the attack they are suffering.  So not only are the plants stinking in agony, they are screaming for a specific type of creature they know will help.

What this means is that vegetarianism is in fact more cruel than carnivoreism.  The thing to keep in mind is that plants are very different to animals.  If someone cuts your legs off, your legs don’t live long on their own.  Plants are different, the carrot you are about to throw in the cooking pot often lives for weeks in crisper draw with out it’s stalk and leaves, despite being away from soil and sun.  Generally speaking when you eat an animal, you kill it first.  However all the high and mighty vegetarians chomp and mangle away at defenceless living fruit and veggies without a second thought.  So if you enjoy the smell of steaming vegetables, keep in mind you are revelling in the screaming stench of some plants traumatic death.

It’s a possibility that plants may have an alien form of consciousness completely different to animals.  While you may not hear your lawns distress calls over the roar of your 140cc mower, your shrubs could still be plotting revenge on you for it. 

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentines Day

Numerous early Christian martyrs were named Valentine. The Valentines honoured on February 14th are Valentine of Rome, Valentine of Terni and the mostly unknown Valentine martyred in Africa.  No romantic elements are at all present in the original medieval biographies detailing the violent deaths of any of these Valentines and none of them had any specific connection with chocolate.  Called Holy Relics, chunks of St Valentine remains are to be found in churches throughout Europe, as churches compete with each other in tempting horny, young couples to make collection plate donations.

In the ancient Athenian calendar the period between mid-January and mid-February was the month of Gamelion, dedicated to the marriage of Zeus and Hera.  In Ancient Rome, Lupercalia, was observed between the 13th and 15th of February, was an archaic rite connected to fertility.  Cupid, Being the ancient Roman god of desire, affection and erotic love (you can read that as: the god of shagging, Romans had lots of shagging gods) eventually became tangled with this festival.  Cupid is often depicted with wings and a bow, and traditionally, carrying two sets of arrows: gold-headed, to inspire love; and lead-headed, to inspire hatred.

Using the language of the law courts for the rituals of courtly love, the French decided to establish a "High Court of Love" in Paris on Valentine's Day, 1400. The court dealt with love contracts, betrayals, and violence against women.  The French also decided it would be a good idea if judges were selected by women on the basis of a poetry reading rather than legal skill.

In 1929 Al Capone (Scarface) and Bugs Moran (Bugsy) were at war with each other for control of the Chicago alcohol bootlegging business. Scarfaces gang devised a plan to eliminate Bugsy.  Scarface himself had arranged to be on vacation in Florida when the hit occurred.

On Valentine's Day morning, witnesses outside the Clark Street garage saw a Cadillac sedan pull to a stop in front.  Four men, two dressed in police uniform carrying shotguns, two in trench coats emerged and walked inside.  Seven members of Bugsys Gang, were lined up against the rear inside wall.  However, Bugsy himself was not inside.

Two of the killers opened fire with Thompson sub-machine guns, two opened fire with shotguns.  According to the coroner's report, all seven of Bugsys men were killed in a volley of seventy machine-gun bullets and at leas two shotgun blasts.  When one of the dying men, Frank Gusenberg, was asked who shot him, he replied "Nobody shot me" despite having 14 bullet wounds.  Much like Cupid, Scarface used led as a conduit of hate.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Cookie Rammstein Monster

Rammstein vs The Cookie Monster Phone.

Has anyone else noticed that the Cookie Monster and Till Lindemanns hands are never seen in the same room at the same time?

Monday, February 07, 2011

Lo Pans Kitchen Rules

Went to one of our favourite restaurants the other day with family for Chinese New Year.  The owner there is a lovely lady who usually wears a traditional cheongsam dress.  At my age I think I'm past the whole labelling of older women as MILFs.  No, I'd have to say the restaurant owner is a total GILF.  But I didn’t need to tell you that... out loud.

Sometimes it's her husband who takes our order, I think his voice sounds exactly like the actor James Hong, who played the evil Lo Pan in Big Trouble in Little China.

I'm always expecting him to say "And for desert you will be thrown into the hell where people are skinned alive."

The Chinese have a lot of hells.  One hundred and thirty four of them apparently.  The Buddhist text Wen Diyu Jing mentioned 134 worlds of Diyu (hell) but this is often simplified to 18 levels of hell for convenience.  You can look forward to a world of hurt catering for each bad thing you’ve done waiting for you.  The levels are overseen by 10 courts, each with it's own ruler and plutocracy of demons.

Some of the great features of Diyu are: The Lake of Blood, The Mountain of Knives, The Iron Web, The Sixteen Departments of Heart Gouging, and The Office of Fair Trading (seriously that’s what it translates as) to name just a few.  These days Hell is probably all computerised and has an IT department.

Eveytime I look at some of these paintings of Diyu I can't get a song by Pavement called Land of the Hot Knives out of my head.

Saturday, February 05, 2011


LP by Grace and Wilbur Thrush.

Also known as a yeast infection, thrush is usually a localised infection of the skin or mucosal membranes, including the oral cavity, the pharynx or oesophagus, the gastrointestinal tract, the urinary bladder, or the genitalia.

At the time of the Rapture fur fetish will become mainstream practice, puppets will have dominion on the earth and a shortage of fabric will cause people to make clothes from old curtains.

Thursday, February 03, 2011

Full Metal Rabbit

It's the Year of the Rabbit.

In the Chinese zodiac the 12 animals are: Rat, Ox, Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon, Snake, Horse, Sheep, Monkey, Rooster, Dog, Pig.  Alongside the 12 year cycle of animals there is a 10 year cycle of 5 elements of Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal, and Water with Yin and Yang of each. The elements change every two years and the Yin and Yang alternate each year. Last year was Yang Metal, this year is Yin Metal and next year will be Yang Water.  All together the twelve animals and the Yin and Yang elements create a 60 year cycle.

This year is the Yin Metal Rabbit.  Yin, being depicted as the darker side, in conjunction with the Metal element, I can say for certain this year will be The Year of the Rabbot!