Faecal Transplant

While some bacteria is bad, and makes us sick, there's other bacteria that wriggles around inside us and helps us digest food. Regardless of how much Disinfectant you want to spray around the house, the fact is that without these germs you're not going to be in good health at all. On rare occasions it's possible for these bacteria within us to die off, raising all sorts of medical issues. Usually from things like high levels of antibiotics or poisoning.

But not to fear, medical science has the solution in the delightful form of a faecal transplant, wherein faeces of a donor loaded with healthy new bacteria is injected into the patients colon with the plan to make a new home for themselves in the intestine. The procedure is the easy part the hard part is finding a suitable donor. You have to ask around your family and friends if they could help you out with a crappy favour you need. If you don't have any family or friends you could try putting an ad in the paper.

Once the donor has been found, they need to collect around five days supply of their feces and store it properly by putting it in their fridge during the five day period. After that, generally the donor transports their entire collection of excrement to the hospital. Because their donated supply can't be frozen, if they are travelling long distance they will need to check it in as carry-on luggage, not cargo, and explain everything to the airport staff.

The donors excrement is then mixed with saline to create a supply of five to ten days worth of enemas administered at the hospital. The donors payload can also be administered through a nasogastric tube, delivering the bacteria directly to the small intestine. Or in other words a tube is inserted through the nose, down through the stomach and excrement is pumped in. Occasionally both methods are used to increase effectiveness, attacking the problem from both ends as it were.

These days everything's about awareness, so I'm thinking I should set up a booth in the mall and make everyone purchase brown ribbons and soft toys. With a bit of support it could become a movement.